Thursday Ratings: America is the opposite of what you want it to be

If Thursday nights are a reminder of everything that is good in the world, Friday mornings are a reminder of everything that is terrible. Week after week, comedy lovers sit and mourn as they watch their beloved NBC line-up get demolished by CBS's The Big Bang Theory and whatever shit they're putting after The Big Bang Theory at the time. It's a stark reminder that the world is cruel, that the public rejects everything you love, and that there is almost zero hope for the future of the human race.

So, yay! Let's go!

Alright, just look at the numbers for fucking The Big Bang Theory (5.5, 17.25 million). Just fucking look at them! The sad thing is those numbers are actually a somewhat specific drop from its previous airing, and yet it still outdid every show on TV that aired in the past week. By contrast, look at the minuscule numbers for the most important wedding in the history of television on 30 Rock (1.3, 3.61 million). If that isn't proof that the human race is a waste of time, then what is? 30 Rock was also beat by The X Factor (2.7, 8.32 million)  and The Vampire Diaries (1.4, 2.86 million). Yes, a CW show. More people watched The CW than 30 Rock. It did, however, outrank the just-cancelled Last Resort (1.0, 5.20 million), so uh...there's that.

At 8:30, Two and a Half Men (4.0, 13.74 million) didn't come close to Big Bang numbers but still handily beat everything else in the half-hour, including Up All Night (1.2, 2.97 million). But more people are probably going to tune into that once NBC adds a laugh-track to it for no reason, why? I mean, definitely. How could NBC go wrong? They peacock comedy.

The 9:00 PM hour should really be renamed "shows people apparently still watch", as Grey's Anatomy (3.1, 8.95 million), Glee (2.2, 5.39 million), and The Office (1.9, 3.88 million) all posed numbers far less than what they were doing at their peaks, although all are still fairly respectable, with Grey's representing the far high end of respectable and The Office representing the low end. There's also Person of Interest (2.9, 14.43 million), which does fine but isn't really CSI-ing it up like CBS probably wants it to, and Beauty and the Beast (0.6, 1.52 million), which allows The CW to return to shockingly awful status, where it is most comfortable. At 9:30, Parks and Recreation (1.4, 2.99 million) concerningly dropped a large amount from its last airing to pose its lowest result ever. I don't think we need to worry about it yet or anything, but I would hope this is a one-time thing.

Rounding it out, the 10 PM hour, which randomly has been posing pretty low numbers all-around this season, saw a tie for first between Elementary (2.2, 10.46 million) and Scandal (2.2, 6.64 million). There was also Rock Center (0.9, 3.45 million), which...did not tie for first. I would guess CBS has to be pretty disappointed in Elementary's numbers, but they seem to have a lot of faith in it (it's getting the coveted post-Superbowl slot) and it's actually their highest rated new show this year, so I don't expect it to go anywhere.

So there you have it. Everything sucks and everyone you meet is probably terrible because they might be contributing to this. Happy Holidays!

Meanwhile, in TV land

Up All Night - Remember when I watched Up All Night for reasons other than because I didn't feel like turning off the TV? I don't, really. It was so long ago. Anyway, when did this show become so horrible? I mean, it was always bland, but it's sort of actively bad now, like everyone on it has just totally given up. Which makes sense, but still. Has there ever been a bigger waste of talent than this show? The Mindy Project seems to be trying hard to top it, but I'm not confident it will get there.

The Office - I didn't really watch this, but I did notice that the tag was Dwight making some pretty awful jokes about gay people. Please tell me it was just a dumb tag thing and this show is not actually like this all of the time now.

Parks & Recreation - Oh, look, a show I actually enjoyed and care about! Parks & Rec has sort of fallen to that point where it's no longer the show I look forward to the most every week, but I can rely on it for being a genuinely enjoyable 30 minutes of my time every Thursday. This episode continued that streak, being a very pleasant, occasionally extremely funny, and just all-around fun episode of television. They haven't really hit it out of the park at all this season (aside from the excellent "Halloween Surprise" which can certainly sit with the best of the best), but I'm enjoying it quite a bit every week, and I think overall I'm liking it more than I did at the end of last season, when the kind of inconsistent campaign act was starting to cannibalize the entire show for me. In particular, I really loved April and Andy in this episode. It reminded me a lot of that initial spark their relationship had back in Season 2, and damn it, I just can't help but smile pretty much every time they are on screen together. The show also deserves some major props for getting the Tom character back on track after he had a bit of an aimless, shaky time last season. All-in-all, keep doin' what you're doin', Parks & Rec.

Here are some shows I did not watch but want to snark on anyway:

The Big Bang Theory - Apparently they did an episode about a parking spot tonight. That was the whole episode. It will get 15 million viewers. Good job, America.

Two and a Half Men - I never thought I'd feel bad for Miley Cyrus, but...

Glee - God, is anyone still watching this show? I hope not. Apparently they just did a Grease episode. How did that not happen in like, episode three?