2014 Upfronts: ABC

ABC is a bit of a boondoggle of a network. They're home to some of the biggest hits on television (Scandal, Modern Family, Grey's Anatomy) and yet, year after year, they consistently come in last place among the big four. They're not equivalent to NBC at its lowest point, because they have some seriously huge hits. And yet, they seem to have no idea how to capitalize on those hits, consistently making baffling scheduling choices and picking up ridiculous, awful shows (remember Work It? I know, I know, you were trying to forget) that anyone with a clear head can see will fail. Often times, when they find something that works, they manage to completely fuck it up, like a few years ago when they had a seriously strong comedy line-up with The Middle, Suburgatory, Modern Family and Happy Endings followed by the promising new drama Revenge. There were weeks all of these shows crossed the magical 3.0 demo line. And yet, their solution? They broke up the block and moved in a bunch of marginal shows. Now Happy Endings and Suburgatory are gone completely, and Revenge is a shell of its former self. This is just an example of how ABC will occasionally just throw a bunch of shit around for no real reason, even when they have something that's working.

And yet, ABC's schedule for next year manages to do the opposite of what ABC normally does - it keeps what's working, expands on it, and smartly tweaks what's not. There are some strange decisions here and there (it's hard to imagine a female-skewing comedy block taking off Tuesdays at 8 up against The Voice, and Forever following SHIELD is certainly...interesting), but for the most part, it looks like ABC actually sat down and looked at its schedule and realized what they were good at and tried to expand it. The Shonda Rhimes power hour of Grey's Anatomy and Scandal was doing well? Let's make Thursdays all Shonda all the time by slotting her new How to Get Away With Murder in there! The Wednesday comedy block has flow issues? Let's put The Goldbergs after The Middle because they're pretty similar in tone, and let's put a family comedy after Modern Family instead of an inexplicably incompatible show about single people in their 20s! It's not a super ambitious schedule, but it's one where ABC seems to at least be aware of itself, something it so rarely is. I will always hate them for their long list of promising comedies they've slaughted with their incompetence (and we can now add Suburgatory and Trophy Wife to join the ranks of Happy Endings, Don't Trust the B in Apartment 23,and Better off Ted) but hey, at least they seem to be trying to get their shit together this year. 

So let's dig into these fucking shows.

How to Get Away with Murder

This is the most Shonda Rhimes show in the universe. Meaning it's probably going to do super well and also be super fucking insane. Let's guess some of the insane plot twists that will show up this year! My guess is the skeevy male professor will turn out to be a spy that time traveled here from Ancient Greece but not for any mischievous reasons, just because he wanted to see if people still believed all of that crazy shit about Hades. Also, I bet Main Students' mom killed Viola Davis's cat.

Forever

Do you like shows about mortality but also there has to be a love interest and also some sci-fi elements and maybe some comedy and also is a crime procedural too? Congratulations! The first and last television show you will ever like is airing on Tuesdays on ABC this fall!

The Whispers

Being on a cop on TV must be such a sweet job. They get to deal with, like, alien invasions and supernatural forces and shit. What a life! The cops in my town spend most of their time directing parades and taking peoples' weed. I bet they would love it if an alien invasion just happened in some little girls' tree house. Poor cops in my town. TV has given them such unrealistic expectations.

American Crime

If you were feeling okay about life in America, American Life is here to remind you that everyone here hates each other, no one is safe, we're so many years behind in racial equality, there's so much violence and so much of it is between young people, your child is probably on drugs and in a gang, and we're all living in our personal versions of hell. Get your jammies and cuddle in with American Life, midseason at ABC.

Secrets and Lies

Oh, you thought you were done hearing about how awful life is after you finished the American Crime trailer? Think again! Children die! People KILL them! Also, look! More cops! Cops and killers! America! The American Broadcasting Network! Are you crying yet? You're not? MAYBE YOU KILLED THE CHILD. If Ryan Phippe is a suspect, you can be too, you fucking asshole!

Selfie

The internet has been thrown into a wave of disgust over this trailer. I get it. It's called Selfie and there's hashtags over characters' faces. But I mean, Karen Gillan! John Cho! Emily Kapnak! These are all people who have done very good things for this world! This is a show that will be either incredible or awful, depending on how much self awareness it has on its ridiculous premise (and whether or not it drops those damn hashtags). But, look. Amy Pond is in it. Although where the fuck is her Scottish accent?! People with Scottish accents can be vapid too, you know. Anyway, this could totally suck but it could be good. Also, it has a terrible title, and all ABC shows with terrible titles are great until they get cancelled and we all die a little more inside.

Black-ish

So this is the first network sitcom with a predominantly black cast since...what, Everybody Hates Chris? And it looks like it could be pretty funny! ABC has given this the post-Modern Family slot, and it actually looks like a show that could do well with that audience. The network claims they are attempting to "accurately reflect the people of America" this season. I guess in past seasons they were really going for inaccuracy. But not anymore! Yay, accuracy! Really, though, it's nice to see network TV actually responding to some of the diversity criticisms of recent years. Typically they wait like 10 years to listen to what people actually want. They're just now realizing that we're all pretty okay with Friends being over.

Manhattan Love Story

It's at this point I must take the time to discuss ABC's comedy promo voiceover guy. Or maybe they're all different guys, but they all sound like a dude in the '60s who was THE CRAZY ONE in his friends group and also really liked LSD. He should get his own sitcom. Anyway, nothing new to see here. TV still thinks romantic comedy is a good suit for it, especially when they rely on the most basic of gender stereotypes. Even silly '60s LSD lover knows this shit is antiquated. (That's why he totally bails on this trailer halfway through).

Cristela

The preview for this show is just a Mexican-American woman drinking beer. Remember, accuracy!

Fresh Off the Boat

I like that there is an Asian-American sitcom on network TV. That's a first, right? Also, it's from Natchnatchka Khan, creator of Don't Trust the B---- in Apartment 23! That said, maybe consider a new title, guys. Still, this looks like it could be very funny and have lots of things going for it. Let's hope ABC actually doesn't fuck it up, for once.

Galavant

What the FUCK is this? I think I love it. I might hate it? I don't even fucking know, but this...this is certainly a show, and I credit it for just fucking...doing it, man. Seriously. It's like Cop Rock in silly costumes! Do you not realize how revolutionary that is?!