So for some reason, maybe because I secretly hate myself and enjoy being sad, I like to track television ratings, which are basically comprised by a very professional system of the "guess and check" system of math. (Is that a thing? They taught us in like 3rd grade. It might not have actually been real).
Ratings teach us three things: 1) You are weird and different than everyone else. 2) People hate mostly everything. 3) Everything you love can be transformed into nothing but a meaningless, soulless number.
So let's dig in!
Last night was a special night for me because I didn't really give a shit about anything on network TV - well except for Suburgatory, but that airs after Modern Family, so who cares? - so I could just read the ratings report without having to worry about contemplating the end of my life. Unsurprisingly, most of the country decided the only thing they wanted to watch was Modern Family (4.7, 12.01 million viewers), and some of them forgot to turn off their TV and also left on Suburgatory (2.5, 6.73 million viewers). The weird thing is that Happy Endings actually did a lot better in that "we're too lazy to grab the remote" timeslot last year, usually getting near a 3.0 in the demo while Modern Family was doing similar numbers to what it is now. Which means there was really no reason to send it off to Tuesday Island with the skeletons of Dancing With the Stars and Private Practice. Fuckin' ABC.
Unless you care about The X Factor (2.9, 8.20 million viewers), which you don't because you aren't Simon Cowell, the only other thing on network that wasn't a Christmas special was CBS's line-up, whose ratings are always a wonderful way to see what your parents are going to try to get you to watch soon. Survivor (2.7, 10.37 million viewers), Criminal Minds (2.9, 12.37 million viewers), and CSI (2.6, 12.11 million viewers), showed the very CBS-like trend of pulling in a massive amount of viewers but a less massive amount of viewers that networks actually care about (18 to 49 year olds).
Over to the Christmas specials, America proved they like things that are nice but only if they are 50 years old - A Charlie Brown Christmas (2.9, 8.85 million viewers) pulled in very respectable numbers - higher than what The Middle and The Neighbors usually do in the same slot. And people are way more into watching a bunch of people sing while a bunch of other people light up a Christmas tree than the comedy stylings of Whitney Cummings, as the tree lighting ceremony pulled in a 2.1 demo and 9.14 million viewers, much higher than what Whitney and Guys with Kids have been pulling in the slot. That led to an SNL Christmas Special (2.7, 7.36 million viewers) being the rare show that everyone on Tumblr and people in real life were watching.
So there you have it. Last night's ratings. Not too suicide-inducing, right? Don't worry, tomorrow we'll get Thursday ratings. Hide your pills!
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