Over the past week, I have, for some reason, watched every episode of Fuller House. I'm not alone, of course: the show was so popular that it trended on Twitter for days and has already been renewed for a second season. That said, if you haven't watched it yet, please: do not watch Fuller House. It is not good, by any means. Even if you loved the original show, even if you have some twinge of nostalgia for it, it is not worth your time.
So then why did you watch every episode, you might ask me? Why not just stop after the first two when you realize, hey, this show is cheesy as fuck and so was the original show and why are you wasting your time? That's what all of the normal people did, the ones who at all value their sanity. I don't really have a clear answer for you. I guess it's because, like many people, I grew up with Full House, for better or worse, and I've seen every episode of the terrible original series so many times that it seemed wrong for me not to watch whatever else these assholes have up their sleeve. Still, I figured I would at least try to make my suffering worth something vaguely productive, so here I am, writing a blog post about how Fuller House made me feel inside.
1. Fuller House is not a good show, but it's not really any worse than Full House. Fuller House was met with extremely negative reviews and a divided fan response, which may lead you to believe it was somehow a disappointment compared to the already dreadful original series. But Fuller House is basically of the same quality of the original Full House. In fact, if I were being daring, I might argue it's actually a little bit better, if only because it's kind of in on the joke (which, in a way, makes hating on it less fun.) My guess is that a lot of people view the original series through rose-tinted glasses and don't realize how totally cornball and awful it is, and also I don't think the Netflix binge-model is really right for this "turn your brain off" style of sitcom, which might seem acceptable in bite-sized, after-school bits but really exposes its true shittiness when you stack it all together. Honestly, the quality difference between the two comes down to this: Full House was bad in a very '90s kind of way, while Fuller House is bad in a uniquely 2016 kind of way. Full House is the archetype of the soulless, mass-produced network family sitcom that was a staple of the '80s and '90s but is mostly confined to the Disney Channel these days. There's little consistency, absolutely no self-awareness, and really no attempt at any sort of depth or understanding. But sitcoms have evolved in the past 20 years, and now even lukewarm family sitcoms are slick and single camera and self-aware and have a baseline quality even when they're mediocre. Fuller House understands this and attempts to mimic it. Storylines actually continue from one episode to the next (an unheard of occurrence on Full House, a show that had at least six different sets of grandparents), there is an actual attempt at a few character arcs (they mostly fail, but they try!), and there are way, way, way too many meta jokes. Fuller House is not good, but it's not good in a way that at least feels relevant to our time period.
2. Fuller House doesn't know if it wants to be a nostalgia piece or a standalone show. The weirdest thing about Fuller House is that it seems genuinely unsure about whether it wants to simply reminiscence on its past or try to be something new. Girl Meets World, the Boy Meet World continuation on the Disney Channel, has made it to three seasons and not-so-terrible reviews because it's basically become its own thing, occasionally referencing the show it spins off from but also establishing a world of character of its own. (I haven't seen much of Girl Meets World, but I'm told it's basically fine for a kids' sitcom, and that it's become its own thing.) Fuller House sometimes seems like it wants to do the same thing. The show introduces a bunch of new characters (DJ and Kimmy's kids) but it never really does anything with them except saddle them with really annoying catchphrases and the typical Full House "one signature character trait." (Jackson is apparently some kind of wannabe rebel, Max - the new worst character on the show now that Michelle is absent - is a loud asshole, Ramona speaks Spanish and want her parents to get back together, and the baby is, uh, a baby?). When it focuses on the kids (it hardly does!) it seems like your run of the mill Disney Channel-esque family sitcom, which is whatever! It could continue on as that, and I would totally stop caring about it, but a bunch of pre-teens would probably be into it, and I could stop watching it and be on my merry way. But, no. Just when it seems like it's heading in that direction, Stephanie busts out a "how rude!" and Uncle Jesse comes trotting back in and it becomes totally clear just what the fuck show this is.
3. Fuller House could actually be good if it was, like, a different show. There are very, very, very, very rare inklings where you could almost see a good show in Fuller House. This is mostly due to the fact that the show has a surprisingly not awful rock in DJ Tan - uh, sorry, Fuller (yes, the title is a fucking pun), who is maybe a little bit of an "overworked single mom" stereotype (who in the Full House universe isn't a stereotype to some degree?) but mostly sells that character trait and makes it a believable struggle. That's a better center than Full House ever had (it never really cared to analyze the fact that it was about a non-traditional family), and while it doesn't really add up to anything, it's at least, I don't know, there. (On the other hand, just like the original show, there is almost no mention of the dead spouse that lead to the show's premise, except for like once or twice when it's convenient to the plot.)
4. Fuller House is stuck halfway between making fun of itself and taking itself seriously. The biggest failure of Fuller House is that it really never embraces its satirical center nor does it go full cheese. It is definitely more self-aware than the original series - there are a lot of meta jokes about the implausibility of a lot of the show's wackier sitcom shenanigans, and there are actual lines suggesting that the Tanner family is kind of a bunch of privileged white-bread dicks, which floored me a little - but it also fails to go full Brady Bunch Movie in its satire. It still insists on ending every episode with a talk and a hug, it still gives its characters easy outs at every corner, and it's still, well, about a bunch of privileged white-bread dicks who shamelessly appropriate Indian culture without even batting an eye. A lot of the show's tongue-in-cheek "can you BELIEVE this?!" material comes in the first few nostalgia-heavy episodes that have to deal with the sheer implausibility of the show's concept. By the halfway point of the season, the show starts recycling some of the exact same tired plots that plagued the original series. I nearly lost my shit when there was ANOTHER fucking plot about everyone trying to hide a giant barn animal from everyone else in the house, which I swear happened like seven times in the original series. (Not to mention when Stephanie DROVE HER CAR through the kitchen and they tried to hide that. Why do these people think you can hide giant, house-destroying situations?!). ANYWAY, the point is that even if it pretends it has, Fuller House hasn't learned. It's the same old shit, recycled yet again, and I guess that's what we wanted! Which brings me to my final point...
5. This kind of shit is what we want, isn't it? It's what we deserve, isn't it? Look, Fuller House only exists because we asked for it. We watched the syndicated re-runs as kids, we grew up and realized it was awful but kept watching it anyway, we started shitting on it and making fun of it only increasing its hype more, we made Buzzfeed lists and quizzes about it and all of its other terrible '90s sitcoms - we brought this onto itself. Because the truth is, there is something addicting about the specific dose of shared, hated nostalgia of these kinds of shows that's addicting, and that makes even the most skeptical of us watch the entire thing on Netflix and make a blog post about it later. That's why this thing exists in the first place, right? Fuller House doesn't learn, people don't learn, and you know what? I don't learn, because this shit has been renewed for a second season, and as much as I tell myself I'm not going to watch it, I probably am! Fuck it! Fuck it all! I'm probably going to go listen to that stupid Carly Rae Jepsen cover of the theme song right now too!!!
Anyway! Um, don't be like me, don't make my mistakes - please, don't watch Fuller House.
(On the other hand, at least Jodie Sweetin and Andrea Barber are getting paid, right? Good for them.)
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